**11/16/07 UPDATE**

Until a few moments ago, I had a very extensive post here explaining how I'd had a very negative experience and needed to vent... but now I've calmed down and decided I dont want that type of anger and negatively polluting the space I'm using to chronical my journey through the DP (and other spiritual things). 

So its gone now. I will leave the basic gist though, because I think its an important lesson:

Don't be an asshole. It isn't very nice. Especially if you're supposed to be any sort of leader in the Pagan community.

I'm starting an online Pagan Book Club. My goal is to create a place for stimulating conversation about pagan-related books with some merit (cause we all know how many there are out there without merit). 

Here: http://z3.invisionfree.com/PaganLit_Book_Club

Samhain is a Celtic holiday celebrating the summer’s end, and the beginning of the dark half of the year. It is a time of death and dying, with the harvest coming to an end and winter imminent. In some more Wiccan belief systems, Samhain is the time when the Great God dies and is reborn in the womb of the Goddess. Regardless of your specific mythologies, I believe it is a time to celebrate the role death plays in the cycle of life and the earth.

Celtic tradition tells us that this is a day to offer hospitality and gifts to our ancestors and those in our lives that have recently passed. They believed that the barrier between the worlds is thinnest at this time, allowing them to cross over into our side. Those ancestors are invited into the home to partake in the great family feast and often given their own seat and plate at the table. They’re honored with offerings of food and drink.

Being that I don’t feel very connected to my own ancestors, Samhain is for me personally more of a celebration of death and new beginnings. I use it as a time to reflect upon the previous year, celebrate the good times, put to rest anything I would like to move away from, and welcome a new fresh year of possibilities into my life.

The dark part of the year is sometimes difficult, being that I rarely see the sun from my windowless office and the Connecticut winters are cold and unforgiving to those who wish to spend any time outside. I like to focus on the beauty and promise of the winter months and Samhain gives me an opportunity to see this part of the year as a beginning, instead of a cold, dark end.

Its time to tuck into our safe, warm, loving home, and await the rebirth of spring.

Ancestors. A word that seems so close and yet so far to me. A group of foreign unknowns? Or a family so recently gone that I may still shed a tear at the very thought of losing them from this life?

In a religion so reverent and honoring of these beings, I feel out of place with my peculiar feeling of “ancestorlessness”. I’m not sure who they really are. Are they the ancients I can trace back through my bloodline? If I had any contact with my biological father I might, but in cutting him out of my life (a necessity for my own well-being) I unwittingly cut myself loose from hundreds of years of history and lore. Turning to my maternal side isn’t much more of a help, as my mother has done much the same to her parents as I’ve done with my paternal side. My tiny family, mother, half sister, myself, are swimming through a thick ocean of heritage with no ties to anyone or anything.

What I do know, what I have been told much of my life does not amount to much.

“Your mother’s family has some Pennsylvania Dutch blood, and other European countries. I think your father’s grandmother was some sort of Native American.”

The Pennsylvania Dutch (perhaps more accurately Pennsylvania Deitsch or Pennsylvania Germans or Pennsylvania Deutsch) are the descendants of German immigrants who came to Pennsylvania prior to 1800. These were the people who brought those colorful “Hex Signs” to our country. It is said by some that the term hex derives from the Pennsylvanian German word 'Hex' (German 'Hexe'), meaning 'witch'. However, supporters of the folk-art theory point out that the most popular hex signs were six-sided, brightly colored geometric designs, termed hexagram, from the Greek root hex- meaning "six".

Okay, so we have an area of Europe, a basic idea of the timeline, and this possibly Pagan rooted folk art. But what am I to do with that? And what of these mysterious “other European countries”? And the “some sort of Native American” surely isn’t much to go on. I feel no connection to these vague facts. No picture of my heritage takes form. The last names involved have been so many times changed that its all but impossible to trace without something more. Something I don’t have.

And so I’ve heard other ADF members say the same. And they point to some generalities as a possible option. Ancestors are simply those who came before us, of any group or family, not just our own. Ancestors can be those very recently lost, those you actually knew in this lifetime.

But these things don’t help me. I can’t honor a generality with any real feeling. I don’t feel any real bond to a generic “those who came before us”. People whom have passed that I have no real connection with.

And those whom I’ve actually known in my lifetime and lost, they just don’t feel ancestral. The pain of losing them, the hole they’ve left in my life is still too real to lump them into a singular group of “ancestors”. They are my cousin, my brother, my grandfather, my friend. So close to me that they deserve their own moment of silence, to be honored in a personal way, with my heart that still bleeds for their absence.

I’ve been following the “Dedicant Program Through The Wheel of the Year” by Michael Dangler… a set of weekly lessons and assignments designed to get a person through the DP in roughly a year. I think it’s a very useful tool- reminiscent of my college years, and I find the familiarity of a syllabus and “homework” assignments to be comforting.

But in honesty, I’ve been slacking a bit. I skipped one lesson already (the Oath) for lack of inspiration and did only one of my two essays on the first High Day… and then having skipped that first lesson, haven’t really felt right about moving on to “Nature Awareness” or officially starting my first book, developing my home shrine. And yet, I really feel as though I’m making progress on the things I wanted to progress in.

Just being in the act of working through the DP itself has put me in a mindset that’s developing my spirituality. It’s given me the feeling of progressing on my spiritual journey- even if thus far it’s mostly been theoretical.

First off- the High Days, while in the past I was aware of their existence, have begun to take on more meaning for me. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time thinking about where they come from, how important they are (or aren’t as the case may be) in my life. I’m working to develop family traditions that reflect the seasons and celebrations of our lives.

Spending more time on the 8 holidays has led me to pay more attention to the changing seasons then I think I ever have. The beautiful fall leaves aren’t just a rainbow of hues decorating the New England landscape- but also a way for the earth to experience a symbolic death, only to create sustenance from the fallen plants and rebirth itself in the spring. The mulch in the air smells clean and refreshes me- promising new beginnings and a clean slate.

In this heightened state of awareness and openness, I’ve started noticing signs, gifts and messages from the Gods as I never have before. An unexpected rainstorm on a weekend, ruining my plans but giving me the gift of a relaxing day inside, curled and up recharging myself for a long week to come. The feeling of power and strength received from eating a vegetable grown and sown from a local farm, from the very earth I walk on, fed by the sun I bathe in, quenched from the rain that falls on my head. The death of a tree, a reminder that all things must come to an end, no matter how strong and noble, to be returned into the cycle of life, to be reborn, as we all must be.

And finally, after years of confusion, of not quite being able to pinpoint the origin of that feeling, that presence I felt looking over me, of not being able to understand and take in the existence of the Gods & Goddesses, I’ve recognized one, and know exactly what it is I need to do to invite her into my life- possibly as a patron deity, and definitely as a source of strength and inspiration.

In a few short months, the DP has aided me in developing and benefitting from these pieces of my life- more then I could have hoped for, and I expect much more to come.

"Although the specific date of the Autumn Equinox was not marked by any ritual in Celtic tradition, there is evidence that, at some point roughly halfway between Lughnasadh and Samhain, communities would involve themselves with a ceremony that reflected the processes then at work in the Year. This was usually a conclusion to ritual themes invoked at Lughnasadh, and focused on the end of the main harvest activities (i.e., the grain harvest), although it did not imply the end of the entire Harvest season, which continued until Samhain" - Alexei Kondratiev, The Apple Branch

The autumn equinox can be felt in the air in outside our home in southern Connecticut. Deep hues of reds and yellows adorn the trees, announcing the coming of the fall. The harvest season is a slight chill in the morning, the scent of fresh mulch in the afternoon, the rustling of leaves on the wind as the sun sets each night. As early as late September, the first signs of autumn are already making themselves known, and to me it feels less like death or an ending, and more like an opportunity for cleansing, for beginning again, fresh and new.

My family consists of myself and my boyfriend, whom is very spiritual and earthy, but not a Pagan. We both want to create and develop special family traditions for the holidays that are meaningful to us as a couple. This means finding ways to celebrate the turning of the seasons in tangible way that speaks to our relation to the earth, and not necessarily a specific religious liturgy. I like this approach as I find it to be more authentic to develop practices that reflect our own place in this world, and not just what we read about in books.

For the autumn equinox, we spent the sunny afternoon at a local orchard. Wrapped up in thin sweaters to protect us from the slight nip already present in the air, we made our way through the rows of trees, tasting and testing the sweet, crisp fruit. Eating an apple while standing under the tree that birthed it, on the ground that grew it, under the very sunshine and air that nourished it- is a very powerful thing. You take that piece of the earth into yourself in a pure and untainted way. Nothing stands between you and that very primitive connection, of harvest and consumption. A celebration of life in all its forms.

We went home, burdened with our heavy bags of fresh apples, corn, potatoes and mushrooms from the orchard. Our kitchen was soon transformed into a fall wonderland as I washed and prepared our harvested fruit for cooking and canning. Making and preserving a large batch of apple butter is a way for me to connect to ancestors that needed to preserve their own food for the long cold winter months. The process is slow and time consuming. Its done in large pots over a hot fire, with no shortcuts or any real present day technology (save for the stove I used instead of an open fire). The thick brown butter fills the house with the scent of warm apples, mingled with cinnamon, and giving it a wonderful homey feel.

My boyfriend offered his own contribution to the celebration by preparing a fresh meal of foods we had purchased at the orchard. He cooked outside over an open flame, and we sat there and ate the meal under the turning leaves, moving closer to the fire and each other for warmth and comfort.

I believe our entire day was a celebration of the first harvest in both a symbolic and literal way. The act of taking a day away from our technology-filled, overworked lives to experience the earth's most simple and pure gifts, gave me a feeling of peace and balance. I welcome the dark half of the year, blissful, content and with a tummy full of warm apple butter.

I thought I had this DP all figured out. A year or so of projects, readings and homework, and perhaps I would develop my skills at balance, centering, meditation. I was hoping to gain some historical perspective along the way. Already, I'm off on a separate tangent. This is working better then I could have hoped. :)

I ordered a number of recommended books from Amazon (both my wonderful friend, and wallet-draining nemesis), and flipped through each one as it arrived in the mail. One caught my eye as an interesting way to get started, an interesting overview of contemporary pagan society- "Being a Pagan" a collection of interviews down in the mid-90's with various Pagan community leaders. So I picked it up and started reading.

Ten pages in, I was hooked. I thought I'd previously understood how richly diverse the community was- but never have I had an opportunity to hear from people such as these. My interaction with Pagans has been limited to solitary and coven Wiccans- either woefully uninformed or fairly middle-ground in their beliefs, a small group of Druids- seemingly more educated then most pagans on the average, but still following a set of beliefs and rituals generic and far-reaching enough to be accessible to Wiccans, Druids, and solitary Pagans alike. All these people seem to share in some broad stroke definitions Pagan and spirituality, but nobody stands out as having the strong belief systems I am seeing in this book.

Perhaps my tendency to stay on the outside peripheral of groups (such as attending circle without joining the coven) keeps me ignorant to the stronger opinions and rule sets of them. It could be that their spirituality is watered down in public- so as to attract more participants. In fact, I'm quite sure this is the case for rich secrets available only to the inner circle members would be necessary to enhance the bonding between them- but I'm not convinced that any of them hold convictions such as the ones I'm reading about.

Perhaps its the individuals selected for interviews are the extremes. If these are the leaders of their groups- it would have to be so. To dedicate your life so fully as to make a name for yourself in the greater Pagan community- one would have to be fairly committed and have a distinct and definable belief set. One may almost have to make a spectacle of themselves to be deemed interesting enough for their own chapter in a study such as this.

Its also occurred to me that it could be a generational occurrence. The people in the book I have the most trouble identifying with seem to be products of the sixties- having been involved in their practices for many decades. Is it their experience with the 60's that makes them so willing to delve so fully into specific ideas? Did they live in similar communities as young adults and so the idea of living within a Pagan commune is not so foreign to them? Are they so used to battling prejudice and segregation that they feel its necessary to be ostentatious and vocal about their ideas? Is it the drugs? Or perhaps they've only had more years of being a Pagan to develop their thoughts. Their paths could be more clearly defined then my own and others I know.

I keep looking for myself in the pages of this book- an exercise I find to be surprisingly difficult. The closest I've found to someone who shares not my specific beliefs- but at least my mindset and feelings on being a Pagan are the students interviewed at MIT. Is it that in my mid-twenties I better identify with college students? Is our inexperience a common denominator that bonds us together? Or is my generation painting our Pagan community and lifestyle with broader strokes- more inclusive and less defined?

My first thought is that this new "Pagan-lite" lifestyle is superior to the past. We'd be better equipped to live in mainstream society- giving us opportunities for ourselves, and opportunities to share our spiritual, social and ecological beliefs with the rest of the world. We're more accepting because without any solid rules- its easier to see other's points of view. The barriers are gone, the walls are flexible. We all play nicely together. Surely this would be a wonderful utopia in which to live.

But what would we be giving up? Can there be the same passion in a watered-down spirituality? Without disagreements, can there ever be debate from which to grow and share? Will we eventually be without any flavor- any real choices- any strong bonds of beliefs to tie us together as families? What will happen to culture? To the artistry of difference?

Would a community of completely diverse Pagans shimmer like a glass mosaic in the sun? Or would we merge into a watery, transparent, flavorless existence?

So I started reading "Being a Pagan" the other day... and I'm starting to think I'm more "fluffy bunny" then I ever realized. I admit- in the early years I snagged every witchcrap book I could get my hands on (my collection is quite large as I can never seem to throw a book away). But I never really took my personal practices from the books. I’ve never chanted a “spell” I’ve read in one of those volumes- or designed a ritual after one I saw in a Llewellyn classic. I never really felt any authenticity in their pages- so I came up with my own very personal rituals… in fact, you may not even be able to call them rituals. Specific meditations maybe. I spend a lot of time trying to focus myself on myself- because most of the day, the rest of the world seems to get in the way. I sit outside and try to pull the energy from the ground into myself. I let the moon (or sun’s) rays seep into my skin and feel it revive me. I watch the leaves on the trees blow in the wind and know that the life on this planet is sacred, and the world is a beautiful place, and I am blessed to be here to enjoy it.

I’m drawn to talismans. I definitely believe that energy or power can be put into an object and retrieved when needed. I have a collection of items that were used in spells, or found in places I felt to be filled with good energy, or given to me with love that I can still feel the traces of. But I think the items need to be very personal- and so a specific list of “tools” in a book just seems sort of silly to me.

I believe that colors, scents, sounds, flavors, anything that we sense and take into ourselves, have meaning. The can convey a mood, a memory, an emotion. They can be used together to create atmosphere with a theme. But extensive lists of specific things that colored candles always mean feels false to me. It feels like its trying too hard. I assign my own meanings- the white candle symbolizes the Goddess looking down on me. She’s pure and bright- clean and strong. The multicolored earth-toned candle represents the God- of and from the forest, the greens and browns of the earth. And if I decide more candles are needed- I assign meaning according to what I feel is right, at that moment. And if it changes from day to day, that’s fine too.

And the music- oh the music is important. So important. Maybe not to you- or everyone, but for me, it’s the path to my center. To my soul. I feel the music in every inch of my body, and my entire body sings. It hums. And that is how I connect. That is how I feel into myself. How I connect to the spirit of life in the air and in the ground.

But there is no music in books. No melody in their dry pages.

And so I wonder, how can someone learn a religion from a book? How can you have faith in something that doesn’t come from within? How can you get that feeling, that ecstasy from a list of rules and steps and procedures dictated by someone else?

I read a great deal. I ask questions of those more experienced then I. I research history. I attend group rituals written and performed by others. But I do all these things not to learn my religion. I do them to inspire my own personal spirituality.

And if that makes me a “fluffy bunny”- so be it.

I discovered Paganism some 15 years ago after reading a Scott Cunningham book I’d picked up and thinking to myself- “Hey wait! I GET THIS! THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME!”. Finally, a religion I could feel in my bones, deep in my soul. I’ve always seen magic in the world- in nature, and now here is this crazy religion based not on some possibly fictional character that or may not have been resurrected, not on a list of “sins” that I didn’t always consider to be quite so sinful, and certainly not on a huge political network pretending to be righteous and instead starting wars and pushing prejudices that I’ve never understood. It wasn’t even based on a feeling called “faith” that I just couldn’t quite wrap my mind around. Instead, this was a religion I could actually get behind. I immediately started reading everything I could find on Wicca, meticulously learning words like “athame” and “Litha” and “solstice”. As many people before me have said, I “felt like I had finally come home.”

In the next 14 years- my interest in the Wiccan religion has come and gone depending on the time of my life and situations I’ve been in. Sometimes I set up my altar weekly or nightly, sometimes not for months at a time. Mostly I practiced rituals when I felt unbalanced or uncentered. It was a personal and private practice- not based at all on the rituals I had read in books, but in what I felt was right, what I felt was powerful. My reading has expanded from Llewellyn books to include Drawing Down the Moon and other more expansive titles.

Eventually I realized that I wasn’t really a “Wiccan”, just something close to it. I started calling myself a “Pagan” and figuring I could pick and choose whatever worked for me. And that indeed has worked for me.

Almost exactly a year ago I quite suddenly had the desire to seek out a Pagan community for the first time. I received a message during a meditation (from myself, from above, I don’t know) that it was time to find others that could enrich and encourage my path forward, in life, and in spirituality. I sought out a local Wiccan circle, being most familiar and comfortable with their customs and rituals, and found the monthly full moon gatherings to be refreshing, motivating and often moving in a very profound way. There were a fair number of people I had a lot of trouble relating too- but a surprising number of others that I saw myself reflected in.

Within a month or so- I attended a Pagan Pride Day event and a number of workshops on other NeoPagan groups and began to understand the diversity within this community. I met some ADF Druids and started frequenting local ADF-style rituals. I made some very good friends. I started expanding my knowledge base and found it to be spiritually satisfying.

Recently I came across the ADF Dedicant Program and decided to pursue it. It’s a year (or more) long process of personal exploration, historical and cultural education, and ADF-style Druid study. I’m starting this online journal as a way to track my process, work through my thoughts, and elicit comments from others that may be able to enhance my experience. Some of the posts may be simply purged from my mind in a desperate need to get them on paper, others will be more well thought out and refined. Still others may have nothing to do with the DP directly- except that they are related to my life and thoughts during this time of my life. One of my goals is to keep this journal up either way- because I think it will be useful to me.

The first week, we’re supposed to ponder some questions relating to our perception of the program itself, our expectations and our goals relating to it.

Why have I decided to work through the Dedicant Program?

I’ve always felt that my path in life leads me to where I’m supposed to be. That is my understanding of the word “faith”. I’ve been wading through the quagmire of pagan ways, philosophy, and in some cases, complete nonsense for many years now- relying only on what has “felt right”. I’m come to what I see not as a dead end, but a point where the path is grown over and unclear. I’m looking to rediscover my path by expanding and developing myself and my spirituality. I would like to practice and refine my skills in areas such as meditation. I want to learn more about the accurate history of pagans- their myths, their ways of life, and the evidence we have for believing these things.

I want to begin to solidly establish personal rituals & traditions that develop and grow each year- making me more aware of the natural cycles of nature. I’d like to eventually grow to the point where I am comfortable with sharing them with friends and loved ones. I hope to be able to include others in some of these traditions, possibly not even Pagans, and into this part of my life without pushing upon them anything that is against their beliefs.

I want to develop a more tangible relationship with my spiritual energy, the one I’ve felt looking over my shoulder and supporting me throughout my life. I am very successful with accessing it- the ecstatic feeling deep in my heart and soul when I feel a cool autumn breeze on my face, or hear a song that makes my want to dance. But I haven’t learned to understand this energy and translate messages, lessons or blessing within it as well as I would like. I believe I need to develop a relationship with my deity spirit in order to gain a new level of connection with it.

I want to become a student- realizing and admitting that others have things to teach me, while keeping an open but critical mind.

I’d like to continue my goal to gain balance and become centered in my life.

My feelings (and logical thought) on the nature of deity fluxuate between a solid dichotomy of gender (myself being more connected to the feminine) to a more pantheistic view- to an acceptance of multiple gods & goddess’s existence.

I think I lean towards a pantheistic viewpoint- understanding that Gods & Goddesses of all faiths can exist within the framework of the pantheistic “all energy” and be as individual as the humans and animals that walk this earth. Is the view refine able? Is it compatible with the Druid Philosophy? I hope to find that out.

Do I expect the program to be difficult or easy?

I expect it to be difficult because I have trouble staying motivated when results are not immediately tangible. I expect there will be points where excitement of progress will keep me going- but there will be almost as many points where progress is slow and imperceptible, and I will struggle to keep myself working to move forward. I need to learn that life is a progressive journey and an effort spent without immediate results in nonetheless not in vain.

I sometimes struggle with meditation and ritual- finding it difficult to find my center and ground due to a wandering mind full of thoughts and stress. Being able to center and balance myself always has a huge impact on my well-being and I would benefit from practice there.

I want to put my thoughts, essays & (some of) journaling online for feedback. Regardless of my tendency toward public speaking and boldness- I have trouble putting myself out there for honest feedback- fearing the discovery that my thoughts and feelings are somehow less valid then others. I combat that by taking the role of a confident and superior person- and this has been a fair defense method so far. I think that in order to actually learn and grow right now, I need to put those defensive walls down and put myself in the position of a student and seek not approval, but constructive feedback, additional information, and opposing viewpoints that challenge me and force me to rethink my answers if for no other reason then to strengthen and develop them.

If you have just joined ADF- why are you starting the DP so soon?

If you have been in ADF awhile- why so late?

I’m not sure which of these really apply to me. I’ve been attending ADF rituals for about a year now, but have yet to delve very deeply into the philosophy behind the religion. The past year has been one of great discovery for me- the first of my 15-year personal pagan experience that I’ve taken my spirituality out of my head & home, and out into the local pagan community. I came to the realization that the greater community has much to share and teach- not to mention the friendship and support that has colored my life since then. One of the struggles I’ve had is not the lack of common beliefs amongst this community- as I feel this is one our best features- but it tends to result in a lack of structure and lack of reliable sources within it. The confusion between authenticity of our practices and the validity of them is rampant- and in my attempts to expand my personal practice from “what I feel inside to be true” out to include “what I can learn from about the world” I’ve been flailing about- confused and oftentimes discouraged.

It seems as though the Dedicant program could be the structure I’m looking for- without any of the dogma I’ve been so cautiously avoiding my entire life. It is, in my mind, a framework that within you can learn more about the values and spirituality that speak to you- but in a structured way.

I’m not completely convinced that Druidry is precisely the religion I’ve been looking for, or one I can fully commit to exclusively- but I think the Dedicant Program is a way to bring me closer to the answer to that question- and countless others I’ve been pondering for years.

There will be something interesting here shortly. Will it be interesting to you? That remains to be seen. :)